conflict resolution in a marriage/relationship


-This topic was presented by pastor Sinikiwe Siziba in the sfa meeting on 4 Feb.
- The pastor encouraged couples to value what they have because of the experience she had.
-Partners are encouraged to always leave each on a good note , as misfortunes can happen at any time leaving the surviving spouse with a guilt conscience
this was illustrated by a case of a moody wife who was not on talking terms with her husband unfortunately the husband died in a road accident and the wife had to live with a guilty feeling .
-conflicts will always be there in all healthy relationship.
-conflicts if dealt with appropriately make the relationship grow strong , it also promotes understanding and commitment
-good conflict resolution make the spouse feel appreciated and valued in the relationship , it also prevents unfaithfulness
-Bad conflict resolution may lead to unfaithfulness which may progress to unforgiveness because of the bitterness
- Somebody bitter feels so much pain in their heart.
Bitterness pain can be likened to `isilonda `
isilonda -sibuhlungu singahlala kakhulu siyabola njalo singabola siyanuka
This is what happens when a marriage becomes sour.


a) Fight to win-in this case the man or woman always wants the final say
- the other spouse is always forced into submission
- one has to ask him/herself whether he/she is coming across as a person that wants to win.
remember its a partnership and not a contest
-By fighting to win you never resolve anything.

b)Withdraw from the conflict
-nothing is solved by running away from discussions
- this is of concern when a spouse talks too much ( a story was narrated of a wife who talks too
much to the extent that the husband was no longer listening only just waiting for the
wife to shut up)
- at times spouses need to give each space , time to cool down and control their emotions

c) someone who yields to another person
- he/she hopes the other person will deal with the problem
ngendlela yakhe, this does not solve anything.

d)Lovingly confront the other person
- confront the situation as it should be and NOT the person
- carefully think about how best to approach him/her choose the right time and moment to do
- think carefully about what your spouse prefers
an illustration was given of a woman wearing mini skirt when the husband does not approve this was heavily
debated but it must be noted that dress with confidence to impress your partner
- husbands are encouraged to love their wives as this improves the wife`s confidence and value and makes it easier ]
for the wife to submissive to the husband.
- it was said that when woman feels loved and appreciated she will do anything for the husband, even if you to tell her to go she
will go running not even bothered about the destination
e )teachable spirit
- this is an individual choice that one can choose to have
-never marry to change a person as something's cannot be changed ,such things can be related to the person`s upbringing and
- learn your partner and how best to approach him/her
- as an adult judge the situation and make it best to suit you
-learn your partner, value the people that he/she respect this helps in the mediation process
-study and understand the other partner when he/she approaches you stop and listen
- a question was raised in regards to conflict within couples that are brought about by assumptions , some assumptions are negative
and arise from a third party,the third party can make deliberate assumptions and make them appear as fact,
-one is advised ukuthi engazidubi ngabantu abahlala belunguzile , bethandi indaba lokuxabanisa ngoba phela they are destructive
-good communication and unity is important never worry about the third party its only what you feel in your heart
-be wise in dealing will third parties ignore any destructive rumours
-look inside yourself at times what you complain about is what you do yourself
-( most of the times the things you get angry about are things you are guilty of doing as well)
-an illustration eyomfazo awaye thethisa indoda ngoba yayihlanekele ipanty , ngelalanga elilindaleyo kwasekunguye
-talk about your feelings , consider how you present your feelings across as this can escalte a conflict.
-ungavali ngoBunke (being unapproachable close the case with anger)
-respect your partner do you raise your voice when speaking to him/her or do you victimise them
- be tactful in the presentation of your case
- always present yourself i a positive way
-trust your partner and create the right atmosphere for discussion
-Be aware of the body language
five love languages - book by Gary Chapman
what kind of person are you ?
1) person loves being told by their partners i love you
2) affirmation - person want to feel valued ( common in man)
3)Quality time - person loves spending quality with the partner
loves the partner presence value the time spent with the partner
its the thought that counts even if you don't spend a fortune on them they
value the company
know what your partner really likes , understand the foundation what really makes your
partner tick.
An illustration was made of the shona song by the four brothers Rudo runada... `it highlights that the love need to rekindled always especially when you get married , do not forget to wash to look after yourself as you used to before marriage other .
other wise you will be left with all your faith `
An illustration was also made of a woman who provokes the situation to get worse for example during the argument ngitshaya sibone , at this juncture the man has realised that the woman is emotional and cannot hold any meaningful discussion and walks way , the woman wants the problem solved there and then hence provokes the fight ngitshaya sibone
At times you may need to undo your behaviour for the good of your marriage, the two of you need to protect your marriage.
choose the right circumstances ask your self is it the right time to respond to the problem
speak the truth in love ` an illustration was made how do you tell partner ukuthi ` uyanuka ` kageze` this is a potentially sensitive issue as either way it can be misinterpreted by the other partner , but the only person that can highlight it to them is the partner and no one else
-Lord grant me the serenity to change the things i can change and accept the things i cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference
- At times you may do things his/her way , to make him/her happy to prevent one from going astray
remember if he/she is not happy within the marriage he /she may look outside to find the happiness.
be sensitive to his/her background as that's where he obtains his/her confidence from.
forgive him/her let go of the bitterness that you
know what has caused the conflict learn from it remember your children are learning from you as well. we want our children to grow up and be responsible adults.
litsen first , consider writing it down , make an appointment and give time to composed , its not about winning , its about solving a problem.